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Unmotivated. Lazy. Grindr addiction. New BF. Busy with day job. Distracted by Facebook. I have a billion excuses as to why I haven’t posted in a while. At times I actually forgot that I have this great blog. So I’ll keep my yammering to a minimum and just give you the goods. Here are a shit load of pics from the last several months. Word up!

I love looking forward to something that I know is going to be amazing, like a weekend get-away or PB and Bacon sandwich. The few days before your get-away drag on and on until the last minute, but then the moment comes when you’re about to embark on your trip, you have all the time in the world ahead of you. I always savor those moments, the ride up, the journey.

But fuck that! The real fun is the destination: Some Are Camp!

Me, my favorite ex, Seanie, his fab gal pal Arielle, and my two jealous, tragically flawed, but super fun buddies John and Joe arrived on Friday night, set up camp in the ugliest motel room I’ve ever seen, gussied up, went to Safeway, then hit up the RRR in Guerneville for some boozing, cruising and Karaoke. Oh, and because of our belated arrival and dilly dallying, we missed the Maricon-ita drag show by about 20 minutes. Thanks to Kiddie for heading this up. I heard it was amazing!

The next day we got up, drank a bloody mary breakfast and never looked back. The whole day was filled with sun, fun, boys, girls, mudslides, trannies and of course drag.

Poolside drag anyone? Downey, Hoku, Mutha Chucka, Dam Dyke and Dean Disaster put on a hilarious and inspired poolside drag show. Downey and Hoku’s duet to “Almost Paradise” was a hit, featuring Hoku as one die, and Downey as a domino. Close enough! It’s a touching number where they fall in love and teach each other about life’s pleasures, eating Sun Chips and ribbon dancing.

Saturday night found us entertained by a crazy drag show hosted by Glamamore, titled “Glamamore’s Meager Things and Stuff” which was a sensation! Lady Bunny flew all the way from New York just to entertain us with her bawdy songs filled with poo and dick jokes.

During the show I was busy taking pics of David Aguilar and his gorgeous boa constrictors. Folks got to pose with them, having first to sign a waiver in case the snake did something unexpected. No one was hurt, but I heard a rumor that I started where a certain someone had to be escorted away from David and the snakes cuz she was a tranny train wreck drunky pants and could potentially startle the snakes. Action packed!

After the drag show all the boys and girls got saddled up into their beast outfits, donning masks, hooves, snouts, fur, feathers and antlers, parading through the streets of Guerneville after midnight, crashing all the parties in all the bars in town one after the other. This was the moment, the sheer pandemonium that we created, brining a sleepy resort town onto its dancing feet. Not everyone was pleased. A local stopped to ask Vivvy Anne Forevermore “What are you twelve?” And she responded, “No, I’m 29 and I’m dressed like a deer.” We moved on, dancing and laughing in our beastly guises. We tore up the bars, the streets, and if I had made it any further (I got distracted by a new special friend), then I would have seen us tear up the local Safeway at almost 2am as well. Rumor has it that tupperware was stolen in a drunken stupor. Genius!

The next day after the dizziness and blur of Saturday faded, I found myself not in my ugly motel room, but with a complete stranger in a very nice private cabin. What a relief! Once I got my bearings I walk-of-shamed back to my buddies at our room to find that they had already checked out. I was abandoned! But not for long. I headed over to the poolside at the RRR and laid out, waiting for my buddies and sussing out breakfast plans with my fellow food seekers.

Sunday was a blast, laid back, tipsy, fun.  Vivvy treated us to a poolside version of “Part of Your World” from the Little Mermaid. The splashing was relentless, fulfilling. My new special friend and I ran up to the local store to get floaty toys for the pool. While I was there I fell in love with a little charmer who I named Drowney Sensation (see pic below). She was such hit, stealing all of my attention! I’m hoping that she can make it next year.

The ride home was good, a bit sleepy with a stop off to get some In and Out Burger. There my buddy Joe entertained the locals with some of his beast trickery. Work those panty hose beastie!

What an amazing weekend. If you didn’t go this summer, you MUST go next year! It has to be experienced  to be believed. Some people said it was the best weekend of their lives. I thought it was outstanding! I made new “friends,” lost count on mudslides, performed (on and off stage), took sexy pix of everyone, met a drag legend, dressed up like something from “Where the Wild Things Are,” and drown my newly adopted baby. It was exhausting fun! I dare you to do next year!

xo

Faux King Awesome!

The morning of 9/11 was my day off. I was sleeping in late after a night up late. My phone kept ringing all morning, so naturally I ignored it.  Finally when I couldn’t sleep any longer I got up and checked my voicemail.  ”Turn on CNN! They’re flying planes into the World Trade Center!” Great.

They closed all the malls in the Detroit Metro Area; flights were grounded, everything was canceled. At the time I was working for Pacific Sunwear and my two managers came over to my house because of the mall shutdown. We watched the world fall apart all afternoon. Later that night my boss and I went to a local gay dive bar called the Male Box. We drank a bit, bitched about how stupid Americans are, shot some pool, drank some more, and then I think I ended up sleeping with him. I quit shortly after. A few days later my best friend videotaped me ranting about American Imperialism in his living room. Some would have thought I was insensitive, unpatriotic at the time, but in the end I was right.

Flash forward eight years, living in SF where Michael Jackson jokes popped up like toast before the body was cold, I have found myself surrounded by kindred spirits. No less than two drag nights have not only celebrated the 9/11 attacks, but infused them with the innocence of the mentally challenged to soften the blow. Downey hosted a 9/12 drag night at Charlie Horse last year and this year Tiara Sensation hosted a 9/11 in July party.

Speaking of insensitivity, the Cinch, hosted by Lucy Borden, was alit with blood and gore on 7-Ten (just pretend it was 7-Eleven) celebrating the 2nd annual Bloodbath at the 7-Eleven drag show. Performers are encouraged to terrorize guests with sprays, explosions and gurgles of fake blood. These antics left the stage a frightful mess by the end of the night, only bolstered by Lucy’s amazing backdrop featuring the aftermath of a brutal and horrific shootout near the Slurpee machine.

All these bombing dates are a conspiracy theorist’s wet dream, but trannies and drag queens naturally seize it as an opportunity to make you uncomfortable yet happy.  And let’s not forget that the London Tube Bombings took place on 7-Seven. The Madrid bombings occurred on 3-Eleven. The theme nights are endless here folks. Again drag folks make lemonade outta lemons, albiet, to the dismay and horror of millions.

My favorite drag night of the year is when all the gorgeous plus size, full-figured ladies fill the stage with their presence, giving you twice as much to love. Trans Fat Night at Charlie Horse showcases some of SF’s finest plump and vivacious ladies bringing down the house. Who knew that getting so much would leave you wanting more!

Anna Conda opened the show with an off-topic number (appropriate since she’s so skinny), but it was a great way to start the show following our third Take Back the Polk March. About two dozen pissed off and determined folks marched from The Cinch to the Supreme Court of California to protest their decision to uphold Prop 8‘s injustices. With sacks of doo doo wrapped up in designer shopping bags in tow, we chanted for 13 blocks, grabbing the attention of passersby and the occasional police car.

 

 

Holy McGrail needed the help of a big strong man (and some bolt cutters) to get her buttons undone, revealing some clever and tantalizing pasties.

Mutha Chucka busted out the corn dogs for her number, mowing on them, teasing the audience with them, and all in the name of equal rights! Her number had a political edge to it in honor of the march.

 

Lady Bear, Joie de Vivre, Marcy Playground and Miss Nix bring their extra-caloric realness to the Trans Fat stage.

 

 

 

Hoku Mama Swamp closed the show with an updated version of “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Mama treats the audience to some random radio play before drowning herself in milk, chocolate sauce, marshmallows and a box of sugar over an inflatable kiddie pool. The crowd went ape shit when she kicked the pool to the side as the sugar came falling down over her body. Rich. 

 

 

This was a wonderful way to end a night full of big beauties and their outrageous talents.  As always, looking forward to next year.

So there’s this over-the-top drag queen who got this reality TV show where she dresses the girls up, makes them sachet, work and fight to win America’s Next Top Model… oh, wait… that’s fucking RuPual under that weave! So I guess Rupaul has a reality TV show where a bunch of queens must “lip sync for their life,” I don’t really know cuz I never watched the first season; this is due to a conflict of interest: because there were no SF queens on the show my interest conflicted its way somewhere else, like to a bag of chips or hottie.  But this season there is a great chance of getting some representation: Hoku Mama Swamp!

Hoku is currently hovering somewhere between number 10 and 15 on rupaulcasting.com; she is also the top faux queen in the nation. This is quite an achievement and I wish her the best of luck; she’s hilarious, sexy, retarded and I would love to see her on TV. 

Tiara Sensation hosted Hoku’s Drag Race where each performer had to dress up in Hoku Mama face and lip sync for their lives. I was lucky enough to be one of the performers, although I only had one hour to find a song from DJ Down-E’s CDs, come up with a concept, and rehearse it.  I ended up doing Jimmy Buffet‘s “Why Don’t We Get Drunk (and Screw),” wearing a Hoku eye mask, chugging a beer, and acting retarded. I think I did Mama proud.

Other, more seasoned and professional performers such as Lady Bear, Alotta Boutte, Kegel Kater and Mutha Chucka did justice to the name Swamp. Hoku opened the show with “The Man is Mine” by Ike and Tina; this was the first drag number Hoku ever did back in 2003; she brought it back covered in red fringe. Hot!

Mutha Chucka camped up the stage in swamp makeup that looked like a toddler did it.  Chucka admitted that she put a few too many lower lashes in.  I say more more more! The rouge is my favorite part! Go Chucka go!!

Kegel Kater busted out the cowboy hat a mic to parody a Paula Cole ditty.  Kegel’s version: “Where Have All the Hoku’s Gone?” had the crowd laughing.  I spoke with Kegel later and she said that she pretty much ad-libbed the verses. Total props!

Lady Bear had the honor of doing two numbers that night; the first interrupted by Hoku because she thought Lady Bear could do better, the second a dancey house number that had everyone bopping and rolling.  It was a magic moment.

 

Alotta Boutte did a sexy number where she transformed from a dapper gentleman to a sexy burlesque hot mama.  The swamp makeup fit the transition quite well.  Get it girl!

 

Hoku closed the show with Mariah Carey‘s “We Belong Together,” sitting in a fake bathtub, dousing herself in water.  This is one of my favorite numbers; it’s sexy, funny and wet.  Hoku jumps out of the tub at the end to mug for the camera. Sheer genius!

 

 

After the show all the girls got into the tub for a little photo session. For real!

 

Mimicking another queen’s best known performances can be risky, perhaps dangerous if you fuck it up while said queen is nearby with weapon (stiletto, broken bottle, hairspray and lighter, etc.) and a mob of angry groupies. But on one special night of the year a drag queen can impersonate another, for better or worse, sometimes wearing the exact outfit, wig and makeup, and get away with it. That said, if imitation is the highest form of flattery, then Impostors Night at Charlie Horse surely must be the worst… in the trashiest way possible.

Everyone was in great spirits Friday night, anticipating performances from some of our favorites: Chucka, Ferosha, Raya, Playground, Downey, Lady Bear, and Monistat… oh wait… that’s effen Glamamore!  

Anna Conda started off the show cutting a deep one into San Francisco elite socialite tranny, Donna Sachet.  Singing a live parody about herself and making ill-favored comments had me cracking the fuck up. Fierce bangs! I loved it!

 

Even VivvyAnne Forevermore got into the mix with the best non-performance performance as Marcy Playground, leaning stage side, digging into purse, smoking bowl, fixing hair and makeup, getting tee-rashed. Hilare!

   

The best part about Impostors Night for me was being able to have two drag queens in one… 2-4-1, just like the well drink offer between 10 and 11. Yes, plug.

Here’s the breakdown:

Mutha Chucka : I’m pretty sure was Miss Nix, can’t ‘member. I’ll get read for this one. Sorry Chucka (and Nix). ***UPDATE: Chucka told me it was Glamamore. I suck.

Ferosha Titties : Suppositori Spelling

Raya Light : Alexis the Waitress

Downey : Mutha Chucka

Lady Bear : Mercy Faque

Glamamore : Monistat

Highlights include:  Mutha Chucka’s onstage tantrum that resembled a scary frizzed out Bad Seed/Janis Joplin/Stevie Nicks. Ferosha’s retractable brassiere cigarette lighter, scowling fuck you attitude and insane screaming.  Marcy Playground’s drunken dancing with a stuffed snake, resembling a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence… I was deeply confused, but entertained.

    

Raya’s creepy, all too real impersonation/anger mismanagement breakdown of Alexis and subsequent random, but funny, self-flagellation of mustard and strawberry jam.

  

Downey’s resemblance to Mutha Chucka was uncanny; numerous times throughout the night I would catch him in the corner of my eye thinking, oh, there’s Chucka! The best part about the number was that it looked like Chucka but felt like Downey… started messing with my brain.

 

Lady Bear’s rendition of Mercy’s “Top of the World” was priceless. I wish Mercy could have been there (enjoy the pics)… this rare gem of a song just repeats over and over in a boozy helium-fed voice, “I’m at the top of the world, I’m so happy. The tippy top of the world…etc.”  I lost my shit when she goes “I’m at the tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy top of the world…” Lady Bear did not disappoint and I can’t wait to see Mercy’s version.

  

Finally, Glamastat, er, I mean Monimore… Glamamore (my granny) struts onto stage to Siouxsie and the Banshees’ “Hong Kong Garden” with a cheap Chinatown fan and a carton of takeout rice. Her performance included snubbing an offer for a dollar, mugging and other fierceness which were followed by the devouring of the entire carton of rice… with chop sticks.

   

After the show I spoke with Monistat to see what she thought of legendary drag queen Glamamore’s performance. She told me that she felt like she’d arrived.

 

Knowing these queens made the show that much more enjoyable for me, but I could tell that my fellow audience members, whether they are drag hags or not, enjoyed it just as much. Good times!

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