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Unmotivated. Lazy. Grindr addiction. New BF. Busy with day job. Distracted by Facebook. I have a billion excuses as to why I haven’t posted in a while. At times I actually forgot that I have this great blog. So I’ll keep my yammering to a minimum and just give you the goods. Here are a shit load of pics from the last several months. Word up!

My favorite drag night of the year is when all the gorgeous plus size, full-figured ladies fill the stage with their presence, giving you twice as much to love. Trans Fat Night at Charlie Horse showcases some of SF’s finest plump and vivacious ladies bringing down the house. Who knew that getting so much would leave you wanting more!

Anna Conda opened the show with an off-topic number (appropriate since she’s so skinny), but it was a great way to start the show following our third Take Back the Polk March. About two dozen pissed off and determined folks marched from The Cinch to the Supreme Court of California to protest their decision to uphold Prop 8‘s injustices. With sacks of doo doo wrapped up in designer shopping bags in tow, we chanted for 13 blocks, grabbing the attention of passersby and the occasional police car.

 

 

Holy McGrail needed the help of a big strong man (and some bolt cutters) to get her buttons undone, revealing some clever and tantalizing pasties.

Mutha Chucka busted out the corn dogs for her number, mowing on them, teasing the audience with them, and all in the name of equal rights! Her number had a political edge to it in honor of the march.

 

Lady Bear, Joie de Vivre, Marcy Playground and Miss Nix bring their extra-caloric realness to the Trans Fat stage.

 

 

 

Hoku Mama Swamp closed the show with an updated version of “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Mama treats the audience to some random radio play before drowning herself in milk, chocolate sauce, marshmallows and a box of sugar over an inflatable kiddie pool. The crowd went ape shit when she kicked the pool to the side as the sugar came falling down over her body. Rich. 

 

 

This was a wonderful way to end a night full of big beauties and their outrageous talents.  As always, looking forward to next year.

So there’s this over-the-top drag queen who got this reality TV show where she dresses the girls up, makes them sachet, work and fight to win America’s Next Top Model… oh, wait… that’s fucking RuPual under that weave! So I guess Rupaul has a reality TV show where a bunch of queens must “lip sync for their life,” I don’t really know cuz I never watched the first season; this is due to a conflict of interest: because there were no SF queens on the show my interest conflicted its way somewhere else, like to a bag of chips or hottie.  But this season there is a great chance of getting some representation: Hoku Mama Swamp!

Hoku is currently hovering somewhere between number 10 and 15 on rupaulcasting.com; she is also the top faux queen in the nation. This is quite an achievement and I wish her the best of luck; she’s hilarious, sexy, retarded and I would love to see her on TV. 

Tiara Sensation hosted Hoku’s Drag Race where each performer had to dress up in Hoku Mama face and lip sync for their lives. I was lucky enough to be one of the performers, although I only had one hour to find a song from DJ Down-E’s CDs, come up with a concept, and rehearse it.  I ended up doing Jimmy Buffet‘s “Why Don’t We Get Drunk (and Screw),” wearing a Hoku eye mask, chugging a beer, and acting retarded. I think I did Mama proud.

Other, more seasoned and professional performers such as Lady Bear, Alotta Boutte, Kegel Kater and Mutha Chucka did justice to the name Swamp. Hoku opened the show with “The Man is Mine” by Ike and Tina; this was the first drag number Hoku ever did back in 2003; she brought it back covered in red fringe. Hot!

Mutha Chucka camped up the stage in swamp makeup that looked like a toddler did it.  Chucka admitted that she put a few too many lower lashes in.  I say more more more! The rouge is my favorite part! Go Chucka go!!

Kegel Kater busted out the cowboy hat a mic to parody a Paula Cole ditty.  Kegel’s version: “Where Have All the Hoku’s Gone?” had the crowd laughing.  I spoke with Kegel later and she said that she pretty much ad-libbed the verses. Total props!

Lady Bear had the honor of doing two numbers that night; the first interrupted by Hoku because she thought Lady Bear could do better, the second a dancey house number that had everyone bopping and rolling.  It was a magic moment.

 

Alotta Boutte did a sexy number where she transformed from a dapper gentleman to a sexy burlesque hot mama.  The swamp makeup fit the transition quite well.  Get it girl!

 

Hoku closed the show with Mariah Carey‘s “We Belong Together,” sitting in a fake bathtub, dousing herself in water.  This is one of my favorite numbers; it’s sexy, funny and wet.  Hoku jumps out of the tub at the end to mug for the camera. Sheer genius!

 

 

After the show all the girls got into the tub for a little photo session. For real!

 

Soon entering our fourth decade of Madonna, one thing is for certain… Madonna drag numbers will never die, only multiply. The Material Mom has given us so much… well, material to work with. And the queens worked it out hard for a packed-to-the-gills night at The Cat Club.  

After waiting in line for 20 minutes I got inside and immediately lost the group I arrived with, not seeing them again until the next day, typical night out in SF. I downed my cocktail so I could push my way to the stage in one of the most difficult crowds I’ve ever had to push through. At one point some castro queen was like “you’re not moving past me.” I was like “OK.” So I just went around that bitch. When I got to the stage I found a pleasant and remarkably elbow-roomy spot to the left of the stage. I soon found out why as I stepped in some chick’s vomit. For some reason there was a bottle of Visine in the puke. Not sure what kind of dietary needs these Marina chicks have, but I would highly recommend avoiding substances containing tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride. And while I’m musing on barf, I’d like to mention that I thought it was more common for people to upchuck after or even during a drag show (John Waters sees this as a compliment), but BEFORE the show! C’mon lady, keep it together!

Our hostess, Heklina, opened the show with a bangin and hilarious version of “Secret.” Heklina (Madonna) catches her lover (who is of dubious heterosexuality) making out with another man just in time for the line “my baby’s got a secret…” But the real secret has less to do with where her man has been putting his dick, as what kind of VD he’s been covertly passing around. Enter syphilis.

 

 

And how appropriate that Syphilis Diller was the next performer as Heklina was so deft to explain, “that’s why I get paid the big bucks.” This clever way of lining up the acts would reappear later in the show. Syphilis kept the good vibes and excitement moving with “Dress You Up,” featuring Raya Light and Kim Burly as back up dancers. Syphilis’ crazy crimped out hair gave for some fab pics.

 

 

Mercy Fuque and Ben Randle gave us a wonderfully choreographed, strobe lit extravaganza with “Hanky Panky.”  This was the wild card number for me, a total surprise choice of song from Madonna’s repertoire.  

 

Jordan L’Amour packs a wallop with “Burning Up.”  As the number progressed I realized that Jordan looks so much like Belinda Carlyle in her number; I call that 80s legit! 

I love that Madonna did Evita, mostly because it allowed Precious Moments to do this amazing and hilarious number.  The props were great and I loved that she received an Oscar at the end.  I also dig the muffin/cake tin microphones. Genius.

 

Raya Light puts a new spin on “Nothing Really Matters,” playing Madonna as a self-centered, arrogant, plastic surgery and african baby obsessed maniac… oh, wait… nevermind, too easy.  Aside from tossing a baby into the audience and injecting herself with Botox, a piece of fabric goes up near the end of the song only to drop, revealing Madonna’s transformation into Lady Bear!  This was such a great gag!

 

 

Cookie Dough busted out actual lasers for “Ray of Light.” Heklina’s clever performance order put this act after Raya’s number. Retarded fun. Cookie’s light show dazzled the audience and perhaps stunned a few with some unwanted laser light treatment to the eyes.  I think green was a great choice.

Fauxnique’s performance of “Shanti/Ashtangi” involved complex and delicate yoga moves that defied gravity; and all of this aloft a platform supported by a team of strong men. HOT!  She emerged on the stage wrapped in a sari then spun out of it across the stage to the delight of the audience.  The funniest part is when she whips out her pink yoga mat and unfurls it over the platform with a slice of attitude, a riot!

 

Pollo Del Mar finished the show with a supersexy S&M number to “Erotica.”  Pollo’s sex victim gets stripped, blindfolded, bound, gagged and beaten by her and her team of sex kittens.  I like the studded leather paddle and hot boys.  Grrr. There was lots of boy on boy, tranny on tranny action to behold. One hot number!

 

The show was great! There were no slow parts during the performance, everyone brought it hard, and the place remained packed all night with fantastic energy.  Folks were getting their pictures taken in the front room and dancing in the back.  After the show I hung out a little bit, chatted up some cuties, gossiped a bit with some trannies, then grabbed a bacon-wrapped hot dog from the mexican lady out front.  I shared a cab home with a sexy dude and made out with him until I got to my stop. What a great way to end an awesome night.  Thanks Madonna!

Mimicking another queen’s best known performances can be risky, perhaps dangerous if you fuck it up while said queen is nearby with weapon (stiletto, broken bottle, hairspray and lighter, etc.) and a mob of angry groupies. But on one special night of the year a drag queen can impersonate another, for better or worse, sometimes wearing the exact outfit, wig and makeup, and get away with it. That said, if imitation is the highest form of flattery, then Impostors Night at Charlie Horse surely must be the worst… in the trashiest way possible.

Everyone was in great spirits Friday night, anticipating performances from some of our favorites: Chucka, Ferosha, Raya, Playground, Downey, Lady Bear, and Monistat… oh wait… that’s effen Glamamore!  

Anna Conda started off the show cutting a deep one into San Francisco elite socialite tranny, Donna Sachet.  Singing a live parody about herself and making ill-favored comments had me cracking the fuck up. Fierce bangs! I loved it!

 

Even VivvyAnne Forevermore got into the mix with the best non-performance performance as Marcy Playground, leaning stage side, digging into purse, smoking bowl, fixing hair and makeup, getting tee-rashed. Hilare!

   

The best part about Impostors Night for me was being able to have two drag queens in one… 2-4-1, just like the well drink offer between 10 and 11. Yes, plug.

Here’s the breakdown:

Mutha Chucka : I’m pretty sure was Miss Nix, can’t ‘member. I’ll get read for this one. Sorry Chucka (and Nix). ***UPDATE: Chucka told me it was Glamamore. I suck.

Ferosha Titties : Suppositori Spelling

Raya Light : Alexis the Waitress

Downey : Mutha Chucka

Lady Bear : Mercy Faque

Glamamore : Monistat

Highlights include:  Mutha Chucka’s onstage tantrum that resembled a scary frizzed out Bad Seed/Janis Joplin/Stevie Nicks. Ferosha’s retractable brassiere cigarette lighter, scowling fuck you attitude and insane screaming.  Marcy Playground’s drunken dancing with a stuffed snake, resembling a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence… I was deeply confused, but entertained.

    

Raya’s creepy, all too real impersonation/anger mismanagement breakdown of Alexis and subsequent random, but funny, self-flagellation of mustard and strawberry jam.

  

Downey’s resemblance to Mutha Chucka was uncanny; numerous times throughout the night I would catch him in the corner of my eye thinking, oh, there’s Chucka! The best part about the number was that it looked like Chucka but felt like Downey… started messing with my brain.

 

Lady Bear’s rendition of Mercy’s “Top of the World” was priceless. I wish Mercy could have been there (enjoy the pics)… this rare gem of a song just repeats over and over in a boozy helium-fed voice, “I’m at the top of the world, I’m so happy. The tippy top of the world…etc.”  I lost my shit when she goes “I’m at the tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy top of the world…” Lady Bear did not disappoint and I can’t wait to see Mercy’s version.

  

Finally, Glamastat, er, I mean Monimore… Glamamore (my granny) struts onto stage to Siouxsie and the Banshees’ “Hong Kong Garden” with a cheap Chinatown fan and a carton of takeout rice. Her performance included snubbing an offer for a dollar, mugging and other fierceness which were followed by the devouring of the entire carton of rice… with chop sticks.

   

After the show I spoke with Monistat to see what she thought of legendary drag queen Glamamore’s performance. She told me that she felt like she’d arrived.

 

Knowing these queens made the show that much more enjoyable for me, but I could tell that my fellow audience members, whether they are drag hags or not, enjoyed it just as much. Good times!

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