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I love looking forward to something that I know is going to be amazing, like a weekend get-away or PB and Bacon sandwich. The few days before your get-away drag on and on until the last minute, but then the moment comes when you’re about to embark on your trip, you have all the time in the world ahead of you. I always savor those moments, the ride up, the journey.

But fuck that! The real fun is the destination: Some Are Camp!

Me, my favorite ex, Seanie, his fab gal pal Arielle, and my two jealous, tragically flawed, but super fun buddies John and Joe arrived on Friday night, set up camp in the ugliest motel room I’ve ever seen, gussied up, went to Safeway, then hit up the RRR in Guerneville for some boozing, cruising and Karaoke. Oh, and because of our belated arrival and dilly dallying, we missed the Maricon-ita drag show by about 20 minutes. Thanks to Kiddie for heading this up. I heard it was amazing!

The next day we got up, drank a bloody mary breakfast and never looked back. The whole day was filled with sun, fun, boys, girls, mudslides, trannies and of course drag.

Poolside drag anyone? Downey, Hoku, Mutha Chucka, Dam Dyke and Dean Disaster put on a hilarious and inspired poolside drag show. Downey and Hoku’s duet to “Almost Paradise” was a hit, featuring Hoku as one die, and Downey as a domino. Close enough! It’s a touching number where they fall in love and teach each other about life’s pleasures, eating Sun Chips and ribbon dancing.

Saturday night found us entertained by a crazy drag show hosted by Glamamore, titled “Glamamore’s Meager Things and Stuff” which was a sensation! Lady Bunny flew all the way from New York just to entertain us with her bawdy songs filled with poo and dick jokes.

During the show I was busy taking pics of David Aguilar and his gorgeous boa constrictors. Folks got to pose with them, having first to sign a waiver in case the snake did something unexpected. No one was hurt, but I heard a rumor that I started where a certain someone had to be escorted away from David and the snakes cuz she was a tranny train wreck drunky pants and could potentially startle the snakes. Action packed!

After the drag show all the boys and girls got saddled up into their beast outfits, donning masks, hooves, snouts, fur, feathers and antlers, parading through the streets of Guerneville after midnight, crashing all the parties in all the bars in town one after the other. This was the moment, the sheer pandemonium that we created, brining a sleepy resort town onto its dancing feet. Not everyone was pleased. A local stopped to ask Vivvy Anne Forevermore “What are you twelve?” And she responded, “No, I’m 29 and I’m dressed like a deer.” We moved on, dancing and laughing in our beastly guises. We tore up the bars, the streets, and if I had made it any further (I got distracted by a new special friend), then I would have seen us tear up the local Safeway at almost 2am as well. Rumor has it that tupperware was stolen in a drunken stupor. Genius!

The next day after the dizziness and blur of Saturday faded, I found myself not in my ugly motel room, but with a complete stranger in a very nice private cabin. What a relief! Once I got my bearings I walk-of-shamed back to my buddies at our room to find that they had already checked out. I was abandoned! But not for long. I headed over to the poolside at the RRR and laid out, waiting for my buddies and sussing out breakfast plans with my fellow food seekers.

Sunday was a blast, laid back, tipsy, fun.  Vivvy treated us to a poolside version of “Part of Your World” from the Little Mermaid. The splashing was relentless, fulfilling. My new special friend and I ran up to the local store to get floaty toys for the pool. While I was there I fell in love with a little charmer who I named Drowney Sensation (see pic below). She was such hit, stealing all of my attention! I’m hoping that she can make it next year.

The ride home was good, a bit sleepy with a stop off to get some In and Out Burger. There my buddy Joe entertained the locals with some of his beast trickery. Work those panty hose beastie!

What an amazing weekend. If you didn’t go this summer, you MUST go next year! It has to be experienced  to be believed. Some people said it was the best weekend of their lives. I thought it was outstanding! I made new “friends,” lost count on mudslides, performed (on and off stage), took sexy pix of everyone, met a drag legend, dressed up like something from “Where the Wild Things Are,” and drown my newly adopted baby. It was exhausting fun! I dare you to do next year!

xo

Faux King Awesome!

The morning of 9/11 was my day off. I was sleeping in late after a night up late. My phone kept ringing all morning, so naturally I ignored it.  Finally when I couldn’t sleep any longer I got up and checked my voicemail.  ”Turn on CNN! They’re flying planes into the World Trade Center!” Great.

They closed all the malls in the Detroit Metro Area; flights were grounded, everything was canceled. At the time I was working for Pacific Sunwear and my two managers came over to my house because of the mall shutdown. We watched the world fall apart all afternoon. Later that night my boss and I went to a local gay dive bar called the Male Box. We drank a bit, bitched about how stupid Americans are, shot some pool, drank some more, and then I think I ended up sleeping with him. I quit shortly after. A few days later my best friend videotaped me ranting about American Imperialism in his living room. Some would have thought I was insensitive, unpatriotic at the time, but in the end I was right.

Flash forward eight years, living in SF where Michael Jackson jokes popped up like toast before the body was cold, I have found myself surrounded by kindred spirits. No less than two drag nights have not only celebrated the 9/11 attacks, but infused them with the innocence of the mentally challenged to soften the blow. Downey hosted a 9/12 drag night at Charlie Horse last year and this year Tiara Sensation hosted a 9/11 in July party.

Speaking of insensitivity, the Cinch, hosted by Lucy Borden, was alit with blood and gore on 7-Ten (just pretend it was 7-Eleven) celebrating the 2nd annual Bloodbath at the 7-Eleven drag show. Performers are encouraged to terrorize guests with sprays, explosions and gurgles of fake blood. These antics left the stage a frightful mess by the end of the night, only bolstered by Lucy’s amazing backdrop featuring the aftermath of a brutal and horrific shootout near the Slurpee machine.

All these bombing dates are a conspiracy theorist’s wet dream, but trannies and drag queens naturally seize it as an opportunity to make you uncomfortable yet happy.  And let’s not forget that the London Tube Bombings took place on 7-Seven. The Madrid bombings occurred on 3-Eleven. The theme nights are endless here folks. Again drag folks make lemonade outta lemons, albiet, to the dismay and horror of millions.

I remember when my brother and his best friend went to go see WrestleMania III at the Pontiac Silverdome in 1987.  At the time the WWF (now WWE) was at its peak.  Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Andre the Giant, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, these guys were amazing in the ring, and while I was like totally in love with Bret “The Hitman” Hart it was the ladies of the WWF that always got my attention. They made the whole thing seem legit. I’d get so excited when The Fabulous (and Trashy) Moolah, Wendi Richter and, of course, Cyndi Lauper would come stomping down the aisle, fists raised in the air, toward the ring… and I swear I saw Captain Lou Albano showing thousands how to give a self-breast exam at the dyke march last year, so I guess he’s a gorgeous lady of wresting, too.

G.L.O.P. – The Gorgeous Ladies of Polk was the brainchild of Anna Conda who, after being attacked on stage at Charlie Horse by an unruly person, did a video search of the taped attack on YouTube and found female wrestling listed as suggested viewing. Genius. The result was a sensational night of body slams, raging estrogen and spandex. All this lemonade from just one lemon.

The Marcy Playground Minute opened the show at 11pm. Marcy brought a dart-shooting gun on stage, taking dead-eye-in-a-drunken-haze aim at some innocent confetti-filled balloons. There was a moment when I thought I might lose an eye or get a dart in the neck, but I persevered at the foot of the stage.

 

 

Anna Conda started the Charlie Horse Show punching and mugging to a song about “female mud wrestling.”  She had the whole place singing along.  It was great!  And her titties looked great in that tiger print bathingsuit with fringed-trimmed elbow-length gloves and blond afro. Sick!

 

 

 

No wrestling night would be complete without the special (limited due to challenges) talents of Downey.  Downey busted up onto the stage with the coolest mask I’ve ever seen (is that a shopping bag?), plus a friend with which to wrestle to Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping (I Get Knocked Down).” Pretty much every time they sing “I get knocked down” either Downey, his pal or both would suddenly fall to the stage. A few times I heard Downey actually scream “Ahhhhhhhh!” before hitting the stage.

 

 

 

 

Pristine Condition followed next in a fringed teal dress with matching mask makeup. If any measure of the success of a wrestler is based on pure entertainment and showmanship, then Pristine could have a career in eating cum from old condoms. What follows is a photo essay as to what occurred. I’m nearly speechless…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anna Warhola entered the ring singing “Sweet Transvestite” from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was actually refreshing to hear this song done in this context. Anna sported her red devil’s tail, baseball bat and Indiana Jones whip, beating and cracking that shit all over the place. The audience even participated during the “SAY IT SAY IT!” anticipation line of the song. Amazing!

 

 

At this point in the show I was so overwhelmed from the courage and shear magic of the G.L.O.P. that was practically raining down upon us that I didn’t think it could get any gloppier.  But then Donna Personna took to the stage!  At first I thought The Fabulous Moolah had risen from the grave.  Donna came out all gangbusters and did not stop until the number was over.  High kicks, grunts, fist punches, mugging and dingleberry cherries, her performance rocked!  

 

 

 

 

 

This night was magical, absolutely one of my favorites.  The ladies lit up the stage like we haven’t seen in a while with action, body slams, jizz shots, etc. It was really something else!  Funny that all this mayhem would not have been possible if that chick hadn’t snatched Anna’s wig that fateful night.  Maybe it was the spirit of The Fabulous Moolah or just meant to be.

I first heard of Shirley Q Liquor back in 2000 while trolling the interweb for some excitement (read porn) and came across a couple of her recordings. From the recordings I was convinced that she was a black female comedienne, but I really had no idea how effed up her whole schtick was: drag blackface and realness.  Two years later I moved to San Francisco where I actually met people who know who she is. Fast forward to 2009, Shirley performs at the Russian River Resort in Guernville, CA.  

CLICK HERE TO SEE VIDEO OF SHIRLEY

 

What could be more offensive than having a retard open for someone in blackface?  Downey pulled out an amazing 10 minute plus Michael Jackson medley less than a week before his death, leading to charges of “Downey killed Michael Jackson” later in the week. I felt that his number was so shameful that it killed him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bebe Sweetbriar entertained the crowd with a live song before introducing Shirley.  Before she sang, Bebe warned us that she is not the funny type of queen, and that she would do what she does best to delight us.

 

 

Although she is very controversial, hated by many groups/individuals, banned from cities across the US, Shirley is also loved by many as well. There is a website dedicated to defaming Shirley Q Liquor that is featured on Shirely’s website as a way to “download or listen to hilarious ignunce and videos from Mrs. Liquor.” She directs people that visit her site to get their recordings there.

The one thing that I enjoyed most about Shirley’s performance was that I understood her sense of intelligence that comes through the material.  She’s sharp, funny and really loves herself and the audience.

 

 

 

 

 

I was able to get some video here and there from the show. I rudimentarily put together a short video of some really funny shit. Click here for the video : Shirley Q Liquor at the Russian River Resort

 

 

Mimicking another queen’s best known performances can be risky, perhaps dangerous if you fuck it up while said queen is nearby with weapon (stiletto, broken bottle, hairspray and lighter, etc.) and a mob of angry groupies. But on one special night of the year a drag queen can impersonate another, for better or worse, sometimes wearing the exact outfit, wig and makeup, and get away with it. That said, if imitation is the highest form of flattery, then Impostors Night at Charlie Horse surely must be the worst… in the trashiest way possible.

Everyone was in great spirits Friday night, anticipating performances from some of our favorites: Chucka, Ferosha, Raya, Playground, Downey, Lady Bear, and Monistat… oh wait… that’s effen Glamamore!  

Anna Conda started off the show cutting a deep one into San Francisco elite socialite tranny, Donna Sachet.  Singing a live parody about herself and making ill-favored comments had me cracking the fuck up. Fierce bangs! I loved it!

 

Even VivvyAnne Forevermore got into the mix with the best non-performance performance as Marcy Playground, leaning stage side, digging into purse, smoking bowl, fixing hair and makeup, getting tee-rashed. Hilare!

   

The best part about Impostors Night for me was being able to have two drag queens in one… 2-4-1, just like the well drink offer between 10 and 11. Yes, plug.

Here’s the breakdown:

Mutha Chucka : I’m pretty sure was Miss Nix, can’t ‘member. I’ll get read for this one. Sorry Chucka (and Nix). ***UPDATE: Chucka told me it was Glamamore. I suck.

Ferosha Titties : Suppositori Spelling

Raya Light : Alexis the Waitress

Downey : Mutha Chucka

Lady Bear : Mercy Faque

Glamamore : Monistat

Highlights include:  Mutha Chucka’s onstage tantrum that resembled a scary frizzed out Bad Seed/Janis Joplin/Stevie Nicks. Ferosha’s retractable brassiere cigarette lighter, scowling fuck you attitude and insane screaming.  Marcy Playground’s drunken dancing with a stuffed snake, resembling a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence… I was deeply confused, but entertained.

    

Raya’s creepy, all too real impersonation/anger mismanagement breakdown of Alexis and subsequent random, but funny, self-flagellation of mustard and strawberry jam.

  

Downey’s resemblance to Mutha Chucka was uncanny; numerous times throughout the night I would catch him in the corner of my eye thinking, oh, there’s Chucka! The best part about the number was that it looked like Chucka but felt like Downey… started messing with my brain.

 

Lady Bear’s rendition of Mercy’s “Top of the World” was priceless. I wish Mercy could have been there (enjoy the pics)… this rare gem of a song just repeats over and over in a boozy helium-fed voice, “I’m at the top of the world, I’m so happy. The tippy top of the world…etc.”  I lost my shit when she goes “I’m at the tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy top of the world…” Lady Bear did not disappoint and I can’t wait to see Mercy’s version.

  

Finally, Glamastat, er, I mean Monimore… Glamamore (my granny) struts onto stage to Siouxsie and the Banshees’ “Hong Kong Garden” with a cheap Chinatown fan and a carton of takeout rice. Her performance included snubbing an offer for a dollar, mugging and other fierceness which were followed by the devouring of the entire carton of rice… with chop sticks.

   

After the show I spoke with Monistat to see what she thought of legendary drag queen Glamamore’s performance. She told me that she felt like she’d arrived.

 

Knowing these queens made the show that much more enjoyable for me, but I could tell that my fellow audience members, whether they are drag hags or not, enjoyed it just as much. Good times!

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