Charlie Horse embodied the same vigor, imagination and rebellion that my parties did; so it’s no small wonder that after discovering my alter ego I approached Anna Conda to see if she’d let me perform. I said, “I have this idea, I don’t know if it’ll work, but I wanted to know if you’ll let me do it.” Through a cocktail or two Anna told me, “I don’t care if it doesn’t work.”

Low expections? Try NO EXPECTATIONS! That works for me! Not that I wasn’t nervous my first time, but at least it didn’t matter if I failed. I had my foot in the drag door, I did what I loved and people actually thought it was cute. I’ll take cute. Then I continued on, conjuring up all kinds of ideas that I was allowed to realize on that two-pool-tables-together stage. In less than a year Anna gave me my own pre-show, every last Friday. Reverend Awesome’s Tent Revival Show. Wow! I was shocked. I never expected this opportunity, way outta left field you know?

I liked Charlie Horse. I loved it. I “got” it. It’s irreverent, retarded, fierce, insane, just plain awful charm/performances. And I feel beyond lucky to have shared that stage with such amazing performers: those homegrown like myself, and also drag legends, folks from the famed Trannyshack stage, Aunt Charlie’s Lounge, etc. I learned a lot from these folks and I am grateful. They’re all very funny and I have several fond memories hanging out back stage, helping each other get ready, fastening buttons, spraying wigs, touching up makeup, dodging sewage dripping from the ceiling, pissing in the basement, jumping into the cooler after burning it up on stage. I spent some nights pacing in the basement, waiting to go on, others staking out my position at the foot of the stage to engage the performers with my camera. And I always had fun regardless of the performance caliber (some nights were admittedly just bad) and this is what made it great. Realness, a truth in the air, the ability to laugh at yourself.

Post-Trannyshack, Charlie Horse was the last of the old school alternative drag parties that kind of held vast drag factions together. I’m not saying (and I don’t think) that different groups are adversarial, but in the year and I half that I spent clicking picks and roaming about The Cinch I saw just about everyone there, whether they performed or not. This collective memory is important as it will shape the future of what we ALL do going forward. There are civic powers that want to control what we do and where we do it. The developers and corporations have plans for the city, big plans, and the better educated you are about what they are proposing the better. Make sure you do your homework before you vote next time, especially if you voted for Newsom last time. READ THE GUARDIAN EVERY WEEK!!! It’s the best local news. Ask me questions! I love it!

In the end we ALL have to work together to keep what is important to us. I suggest taking more drag to the streets. Hoku Mama and my Tiara Sensation drag family led a hilarious and inspired group of performers through the city last month. And although we were met with threats from authorities at every turn, we still created a visibility that can’t be denied, and laughter and joy that will be the highlight of many vacations of tourists who clicked our pictures and applauded our delightful antics. Why not just have a weekly performance in front of city hall? All you need is a sound system and a dream. Do it guerilla style.

I would like to thank Anna Conda for slinging drag every week for over five years in a dirty Polk Street saloon, and for her courage and tenacity when it comes to voicing herself politically, motivating others to take action as well. Thank you!

Adieu Charlie Horse, Adieu!

Faux King Awesome

But fuck that! The real fun is the destination: Some Are Camp!

Me, my favorite ex, Seanie, his fab gal pal Arielle, and my two jealous, tragically flawed, but super fun buddies John and Joe arrived on Friday night, set up camp in the ugliest motel room I’ve ever seen, gussied up, went to Safeway, then hit up the RRR in Guerneville for some boozing, cruising and Karaoke. Oh, and because of our belated arrival and dilly dallying, we missed the Maricon-ita drag show by about 20 minutes. Thanks to Kiddie for heading this up. I heard it was amazing!

John, Arielle, Seanie and Joe take in the flavor of the motel room.

Mr. David croons us during karaoke.

The next day we got up, drank a bloody mary breakfast and never looked back. The whole day was filled with sun, fun, boys, girls, mudslides, trannies and of course drag.

Arielle and Seanie drink the breakfast of champions!

Arielle promised to only wear heels all weekend, even in the pool. Hooker realness!

Mutha Chucka's got Rahni in stitches.

Oxana Olsen gives good face!

Vivvy's done with these effen heels.

Vajonna D'Entata is feeling Farrah Fawcetty

Stephen and Terry make nice.

Hoku Mama Swamp and Ambrosia who is apparently in black face. Lay off the bronzer girl!

DJ Dirty Knees had us rockin!

Nikola, Seanie and Arielle

These lovely ladies

We love wet guys: Jonathan and David

Nikola and David get interrupted by Ambrosia.

Honey Mahogany and David Aguilar

Poolside drag anyone? Downey, Hoku, Mutha Chucka, Dam Dyke and Dean Disaster put on a hilarious and inspired poolside drag show. Downey and Hoku’s duet to “Almost Paradise” was a hit, featuring Hoku as one die, and Downey as a domino. Close enough! It’s a touching number where they fall in love and teach each other about life’s pleasures, eating Sun Chips and ribbon dancing.

Hoku and Downey make an entrance.

Twirl bitches, twirl!

Almost Pair of Dice.

Sun Chip Lessons from Downey

Ribbon Dancing Lessons from Hoku

Tender and sweet finish

Dam Dyke makes friends with the ladies!

Dean Disaster trucks it around the pool. She even stopped for a smoke break!

Dean and Dam

Dean eats it.

Chucka rips us a new one!

Then takes a tiny sip.

Then hits the deck.

Saturday night found us entertained by a crazy drag show hosted by Glamamore, titled “Glamamore’s Meager Things and Stuff” which was a sensation! Lady Bunny flew all the way from New York just to entertain us with her bawdy songs filled with poo and dick jokes.

Vivvy giving some Lucille Ball

Chastiti Bell

Honey and Chucka

Glamamore!

Grace looking wicked!

Hoku

Me and Lady Bunny

During the show I was busy taking pics of David Aguilar and his gorgeous boa constrictors. Folks got to pose with them, having first to sign a waiver in case the snake did something unexpected. No one was hurt, but I heard a rumor that I started where a certain someone had to be escorted away from David and the snakes cuz she was a tranny train wreck drunky pants and could potentially startle the snakes. Action packed!

David Aguilar and his beasts!

After the drag show all the boys and girls got saddled up into their beast outfits, donning masks, hooves, snouts, fur, feathers and antlers, parading through the streets of Guerneville after midnight, crashing all the parties in all the bars in town one after the other. This was the moment, the sheer pandemonium that we created, brining a sleepy resort town onto its dancing feet. Not everyone was pleased. A local stopped to ask Vivvy Anne Forevermore “What are you twelve?” And she responded, “No, I’m 29 and I’m dressed like a deer.” We moved on, dancing and laughing in our beastly guises. We tore up the bars, the streets, and if I had made it any further (I got distracted by a new special friend), then I would have seen us tear up the local Safeway at almost 2am as well. Rumor has it that tupperware was stolen in a drunken stupor. Genius!

Horsin'

The Beast Generation

Joe had the grossest beast! Amazing!

King Kong Clintzilla!

Seanie and Viv

John is a freak.

Adorable little animals.

Rrarr!

Jason and Evan

Oh Dear!

The next day after the dizziness and blur of Saturday faded, I found myself not in my ugly motel room, but with a complete stranger in a very nice private cabin. What a relief! Once I got my bearings I walk-of-shamed back to my buddies at our room to find that they had already checked out. I was abandoned! But not for long. I headed over to the poolside at the RRR and laid out, waiting for my buddies and sussing out breakfast plans with my fellow food seekers.

Mama wants some breakfast now!

Sunday was a blast, laid back, tipsy, fun.  Vivvy treated us to a poolside version of “Part of Your World” from the Little Mermaid. The splashing was relentless, fulfilling. My new special friend and I ran up to the local store to get floaty toys for the pool. While I was there I fell in love with a little charmer who I named Drowney Sensation (see pic below). She was such hit, stealing all of my attention! I’m hoping that she can make it next year.

Matt loves unicorns, too!

Drowney Sensation makes a splash!

Mikey about to be pushed into the pool.

Viv's poolside Little Mermaid.

Hot pink!

Tan line contestant (and winner in my opinion) Todd from NYC!

Andrew and Jason

Valentine gets some shade

The ride home was good, a bit sleepy with a stop off to get some In and Out Burger. There my buddy Joe entertained the locals with some of his beast trickery. Work those panty hose beastie!

Work!

Bye bye Drowney and Friends!

What an amazing weekend. If you didn’t go this summer, you MUST go next year! It has to be experienced  to be believed. Some people said it was the best weekend of their lives. I thought it was outstanding! I made new “friends,” lost count on mudslides, performed (on and off stage), took sexy pix of everyone, met a drag legend, dressed up like something from “Where the Wild Things Are,” and drown my newly adopted baby. It was exhausting fun! I dare you to do next year!

xo

Faux King Awesome!

Well then what is it? What is it when you’re not sure what it is? Is it art? What is art?

Does it matter? Does questioning it matter? Who cares?

Personally I don’t effen care how people get their rocks off on stage as long as it’s funny, scary or sad. I don’t really care if anyone lives or dies on that stage as long as I feel something. Isn’t that what it really is? It’s really about you as a voyeur, an audience member, being pleased, satiated. I go to shows to be challenged, to be moved, to laugh till my head hurts, to heckle, to be inspired. But I go to Tiara Sensation on Monday nights at the Stud to celebrate the retarded things that make life so amazing! Clearly Tiara Sensation has become the most retarded drag night in the city. The infamous Project Runtover, the once a month dragstravaganza that pits multiple teams of models/designers against each other to win the most infantile fashion (drag) show you’ve ever seen. The Bathhouse Betty nights with themed drag show and “special maze” for clothing optional encounters. The once in a while game shows hosted by Hot Gloobanks, most recently Family Screwed! Oh, and let’s not forget that this dance floor comes with a craft table for creating your own tiaras. There was a weenie roast last week and S’mores this past week. Is this really drag? It has to be experienced to believed. Trust.

The creators of Project Runtover Vivvy Anne Forevermore, DJ Down-E, Glamamore and Hot Gloo have brainstormed a night that dares you not to do drag. When I first heard they were doing this I thought it was brilliant, but did not think anyone would show up to do anything. They had over a dozen performers. It was a hit! Everything from spoken word, dancing, drama, smoking, vogueing, screeching cats, and live singing. The show went on forever and was hysterical, crescendoing into a drag number that took everyone outside into the parking lot next door.

Vivvy Anne Forevermore and Elijah Minelli opened the show with a 10 minute dual lip synch to Elizabeth Taylor’s Martha in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  Applying makeup, tossing back a slew of shots, grimacing, glaring, fist-clenching, screaming, working the room, using the whole place as their stage, in our faces, in unison with each other. In the end the two Martha’s held hands. It was funny, mesmerizing, and beautiful, but mostly retarded.

Vivvy Anne readies herself as Elijah Minelli looks on

The Marthas race to the bottom... of a shot glass.

Viv and Elijah think Richard Burton has another thing coming.

The Marthas unite.

The rest of the night ceased to amaze, a cavalcade of drag/not drag performances that dazzled the imagination, but mostly were really retarded. Such varied performances ranged from spoken word to spoken lip synch, from interpretive dance to interpretive modeling.

Opalteen/Hot Gloo rocks out like Steven Tyler.

Dam Dyke gets philosophical and asks "What is drag?"

Monistat poses, vogues, smokes, glares, shifts and models all at once.

Ferosha Interprets for us through dance.

Chastiti does Liza. Hey that's drag! How'd that get in there?

Rahni pumps it up. Back flips, finger-pointing live singing realness! Get it!

Mr. David lays it out for us real plain.

The true highlight of the night came from Beth Amphetamine’s outdoor parking lot performance atop a moving vehicle.  Lip synching “Hold On” by Wilson Philips, Beth worked the trashy crack whore drag, climbed onto her own car and held on tight as it moved around in circles. Flava Flav helped out with art direction and general dope-cred factor. “Dontcha know things will change, things will go your way…” Work!!!

Beth works the tranny hooker realness.

Adding Flava Flav to any music video changes everything!

Flawless car-top performance.

So this is drag. It’s been re-defined as not-not drag. Irony upon irony until it just doesn’t matter anymore. I wanna give a 5-star shout out to the folks over at Tiara for making this such a fun and unexpectedly great night of the most random performances. Tiara really puts the art in retarded.

They closed all the malls in the Detroit Metro Area; flights were grounded, everything was canceled. At the time I was working for Pacific Sunwear and my two managers came over to my house because of the mall shutdown. We watched the world fall apart all afternoon. Later that night my boss and I went to a local gay dive bar called the Male Box. We drank a bit, bitched about how stupid Americans are, shot some pool, drank some more, and then I think I ended up sleeping with him. I quit shortly after. A few days later my best friend videotaped me ranting about American Imperialism in his living room. Some would have thought I was insensitive, unpatriotic at the time, but in the end I was right.

Flash forward eight years, living in SF where Michael Jackson jokes popped up like toast before the body was cold, I have found myself surrounded by kindred spirits. No less than two drag nights have not only celebrated the 9/11 attacks, but infused them with the innocence of the mentally challenged to soften the blow. Downey hosted a 9/12 drag night at Charlie Horse last year and this year Tiara Sensation hosted a 9/11 in July party.

Vivvy Anne laments over the day's tragedy.

Beth Amphetamine searches for an exit

No way out

So you might as well jump!

Go ahead and jump!

Varushka Salt loses her rock and father of her baby.

Picking up the pieces, Varushka holds a vigil for her fallen hero

Little Varushka overcomes the odds, turns to rabid patriotism to deal with her loss.

Speaking of insensitivity, the Cinch, hosted by Lucy Borden, was alit with blood and gore on 7-Ten (just pretend it was 7-Eleven) celebrating the 2nd annual Bloodbath at the 7-Eleven drag show. Performers are encouraged to terrorize guests with sprays, explosions and gurgles of fake blood. These antics left the stage a frightful mess by the end of the night, only bolstered by Lucy’s amazing backdrop featuring the aftermath of a brutal and horrific shootout near the Slurpee machine.

Gore fans, Josh and John get into it

Anna ties up Bret, then busts his balls... literally.

Lucy cuts up her lover.

Liza with a P throws down.

Mutha Chucka pulls a gun on the audience.

Marcy Playground aborts a multitude of objects from Sheena Rose's uterus.

Faux King Awesome summons the spirit of the lord, gives good stigmata - photo by Bear Z. Bub

HE'S EVERYWHERE! - photo by Bear Z. Bub

All these bombing dates are a conspiracy theorist’s wet dream, but trannies and drag queens naturally seize it as an opportunity to make you uncomfortable yet happy.  And let’s not forget that the London Tube Bombings took place on 7-Seven. The Madrid bombings occurred on 3-Eleven. The theme nights are endless here folks. Again drag folks make lemonade outta lemons, albiet, to the dismay and horror of millions.

G.L.O.P. – The Gorgeous Ladies of Polk was the brainchild of Anna Conda who, after being attacked on stage at Charlie Horse by an unruly person, did a video search of the taped attack on YouTube and found female wrestling listed as suggested viewing. Genius. The result was a sensational night of body slams, raging estrogen and spandex. All this lemonade from just one lemon.

The Marcy Playground Minute opened the show at 11pm. Marcy brought a dart-shooting gun on stage, taking dead-eye-in-a-drunken-haze aim at some innocent confetti-filled balloons. There was a moment when I thought I might lose an eye or get a dart in the neck, but I persevered at the foot of the stage.

Bullseye! Marcy aims and fires on that bitch

Anna Conda started the Charlie Horse Show punching and mugging to a song about “female mud wrestling.”  She had the whole place singing along.  It was great!  And her titties looked great in that tiger print bathingsuit with fringed-trimmed elbow-length gloves and blond afro. Sick!

Anna pumps up the crowd with her big titties.

Grrrrrrrl Power!

No wrestling night would be complete without the special (limited due to challenges) talents of Downey.  Downey busted up onto the stage with the coolest mask I’ve ever seen (is that a shopping bag?), plus a friend with which to wrestle to Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping (I Get Knocked Down).” Pretty much every time they sing “I get knocked down” either Downey, his pal or both would suddenly fall to the stage. A few times I heard Downey actually scream “Ahhhhhhhh!” before hitting the stage.

Downey takes to the ring... Rawr!

Downey's adversary in the ring

Downey Mania!

Pristine Condition followed next in a fringed teal dress with matching mask makeup. If any measure of the success of a wrestler is based on pure entertainment and showmanship, then Pristine could have a career in eating cum from old condoms. What follows is a photo essay as to what occurred. I’m nearly speechless…

Pristine Howls

Pristine pulls a forgotten treasure from her vagina.

Bottoms up: Pristine throws back a warm one.

Get every little drop, don't wanna waste.

Pristine finishes big, and with a full tummy.

Anna Warhola entered the ring singing “Sweet Transvestite” from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was actually refreshing to hear this song done in this context. Anna sported her red devil’s tail, baseball bat and Indiana Jones whip, beating and cracking that shit all over the place. The audience even participated during the “SAY IT SAY IT!” anticipation line of the song. Amazing!

Anna Warhola wants to kick yer ass!

At this point in the show I was so overwhelmed from the courage and shear magic of the G.L.O.P. that was practically raining down upon us that I didn’t think it could get any gloppier.  But then Donna Personna took to the stage!  At first I thought The Fabulous Moolah had risen from the grave.  Donna came out all gangbusters and did not stop until the number was over.  High kicks, grunts, fist punches, mugging and dingleberry cherries, her performance rocked!  

Donna's gonna take you out!

You should seriously get those checked out: dingleberry cherries

Donna attacks the audience with her fierceness, and nipple slip.

Donna pity the fool who don't give her tips.

This night was magical, absolutely one of my favorites.  The ladies lit up the stage like we haven’t seen in a while with action, body slams, jizz shots, etc. It was really something else!  Funny that all this mayhem would not have been possible if that chick hadn’t snatched Anna’s wig that fateful night.  Maybe it was the spirit of The Fabulous Moolah or just meant to be.

CLICK HERE TO SEE VIDEO OF SHIRLEY

Shirley entertains the crowd at the RRR.

What could be more offensive than having a retard open for someone in blackface?  Downey pulled out an amazing 10 minute plus Michael Jackson medley less than a week before his death, leading to charges of “Downey killed Michael Jackson” later in the week. I felt that his number was so shameful that it killed him.

Downey takes a soda and sun chip break.

Downey recreates Michael Jackson's Billy Jean video.

Downey's talking to the man in the tin foil mirror.

Low tech way to face morph from the song "Black and White"

Downey bows out.

Bebe Sweetbriar entertained the crowd with a live song before introducing Shirley.  Before she sang, Bebe warned us that she is not the funny type of queen, and that she would do what she does best to delight us.

BeBe Sweetbriar sings us a song before introducing Shirley.

Although she is very controversial, hated by many groups/individuals, banned from cities across the US, Shirley is also loved by many as well. There is a website dedicated to defaming Shirley Q Liquor that is featured on Shirely’s website as a way to “download or listen to hilarious ignunce and videos from Mrs. Liquor.” She directs people that visit her site to get their recordings there.

The one thing that I enjoyed most about Shirley’s performance was that I understood her sense of intelligence that comes through the material.  She’s sharp, funny and really loves herself and the audience.

Shirley reads members of the audience who were heckling.

Who's My Baby Daddy?

Shirley also sings a song or two for us.

Shirley tells Vanilla Ice to sit his ass down in his seat.

I was able to get some video here and there from the show. I rudimentarily put together a short video of some really funny shit. Click here for the video : Shirley Q Liquor at the Russian River Resort

Shirley and me

Anna Conda opened the show with an off-topic number (appropriate since she’s so skinny), but it was a great way to start the show following our third Take Back the Polk March. About two dozen pissed off and determined folks marched from The Cinch to the Supreme Court of California to protest their decision to uphold Prop 8’s injustices. With sacks of doo doo wrapped up in designer shopping bags in tow, we chanted for 13 blocks, grabbing the attention of passersby and the occasional police car.

Anna Conda Leads the Poop Parade

Poop and roaches oh my! Gifts for the decision-makers

Anna Conda screams for justice.

Holy McGrail needed the help of a big strong man (and some bolt cutters) to get her buttons undone, revealing some clever and tantalizing pasties.

Holy McGrail loosens up her buttons

Mutha Chucka busted out the corn dogs for her number, mowing on them, teasing the audience with them, and all in the name of equal rights! Her number had a political edge to it in honor of the march.

Mutha Chucka chows down on an innocent corn dog.

A lucky dude gets some corn dog lovin.

Lady Bear, Joie de Vivre, Marcy Playground and Miss Nix bring their extra-caloric realness to the Trans Fat stage.

Lady Bear gives some gorgeousness.

Joie de Vivre livens up the stage

Marcy Playground brings realness.

L Ron Hubby and Miss Nix do the Mamas and the Papas.

Hoku Mama Swamp closed the show with an updated version of “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Mama treats the audience to some random radio play before drowning herself in milk, chocolate sauce, marshmallows and a box of sugar over an inflatable kiddie pool. The crowd went ape shit when she kicked the pool to the side as the sugar came falling down over her body. Rich. 

Hoku jams (and peanut butter) out to Def Leopard.

Sugar high: Hoku Mama Swamp gets a cup-full in the eye.

Mama's got a sweet tooth.

This was a wonderful way to end a night full of big beauties and their outrageous talents.  As always, looking forward to next year.

Hoku is currently hovering somewhere between number 10 and 15 on rupaulcasting.com; she is also the top faux queen in the nation. This is quite an achievement and I wish her the best of luck; she’s hilarious, sexy, retarded and I would love to see her on TV. 

Tiara Sensation hosted Hoku’s Drag Race where each performer had to dress up in Hoku Mama face and lip sync for their lives. I was lucky enough to be one of the performers, although I only had one hour to find a song from DJ Down-E’s CDs, come up with a concept, and rehearse it.  I ended up doing Jimmy Buffet’s “Why Don’t We Get Drunk (and Screw),” wearing a Hoku eye mask, chugging a beer, and acting retarded. I think I did Mama proud.

Other, more seasoned and professional performers such as Lady Bear, Alotta Boutte, Kegel Kater and Mutha Chucka did justice to the name Swamp. Hoku opened the show with “The Man is Mine” by Ike and Tina; this was the first drag number Hoku ever did back in 2003; she brought it back covered in red fringe. Hot!

Hoku Mama Swamp opens the show with a little Ike and Tina.

Mutha Chucka camped up the stage in swamp makeup that looked like a toddler did it.  Chucka admitted that she put a few too many lower lashes in.  I say more more more! The rouge is my favorite part! Go Chucka go!!

Mutha Chucka dons the luscious lower lashes in a turn as Hoku.

Kegel Kater busted out the cowboy hat a mic to parody a Paula Cole ditty.  Kegel’s version: “Where Have All the Hoku’s Gone?” had the crowd laughing.  I spoke with Kegel later and she said that she pretty much ad-libbed the verses. Total props!

Kegel Kater serenades Hoku with the live mic.

Lady Bear had the honor of doing two numbers that night; the first interrupted by Hoku because she thought Lady Bear could do better, the second a dancey house number that had everyone bopping and rolling.  It was a magic moment.

Lady Bear Swamp and Baby Bear Dazzle the Stud

Alotta Boutte did a sexy number where she transformed from a dapper gentleman to a sexy burlesque hot mama.  The swamp makeup fit the transition quite well.  Get it girl!

Alotta Boutte makes a handsome swamp gent.

And she makes one sexy mama swamp!

Hoku closed the show with Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together,” sitting in a fake bathtub, dousing herself in water.  This is one of my favorite numbers; it’s sexy, funny and wet.  Hoku jumps out of the tub at the end to mug for the camera. Sheer genius!

Rub a dub dub. Hoku busts it out clean.

I think Hoku likes you.

Sexy Mama Swamp Donkey

After the show all the girls got into the tub for a little photo session. For real!

Hoku Mamas

Swamp Donkeys

After waiting in line for 20 minutes I got inside and immediately lost the group I arrived with, not seeing them again until the next day, typical night out in SF. I downed my cocktail so I could push my way to the stage in one of the most difficult crowds I’ve ever had to push through. At one point some castro queen was like “you’re not moving past me.” I was like “OK.” So I just went around that bitch. When I got to the stage I found a pleasant and remarkably elbow-roomy spot to the left of the stage. I soon found out why as I stepped in some chick’s vomit. For some reason there was a bottle of Visine in the puke. Not sure what kind of dietary needs these Marina chicks have, but I would highly recommend avoiding substances containing tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride. And while I’m musing on barf, I’d like to mention that I thought it was more common for people to upchuck after or even during a drag show (John Waters sees this as a compliment), but BEFORE the show! C’mon lady, keep it together!

Notice the small bottle of Visine engulfed in the brilliance of the flash and barf.

Our hostess, Heklina, opened the show with a bangin and hilarious version of “Secret.” Heklina (Madonna) catches her lover (who is of dubious heterosexuality) making out with another man just in time for the line “my baby’s got a secret…” But the real secret has less to do with where her man has been putting his dick, as what kind of VD he’s been covertly passing around. Enter syphilis.

Oh woe is me. Heklina's baby has a secret.

Heklina gets fucked by Mr. Syphy.

Heklina gets a taste of her own medicine.

And how appropriate that Syphilis Diller was the next performer as Heklina was so deft to explain, “that’s why I get paid the big bucks.” This clever way of lining up the acts would reappear later in the show. Syphilis kept the good vibes and excitement moving with “Dress You Up,” featuring Raya Light and Kim Burly as back up dancers. Syphilis’ crazy crimped out hair gave for some fab pics.

Syphilis Diller gives great valley girl.

Raya Light backing up Syphilis who's rocking out.

Raya, Syphilis and Kim Burly

Mercy Fuque and Ben Randle gave us a wonderfully choreographed, strobe lit extravaganza with “Hanky Panky.”  This was the wild card number for me, a total surprise choice of song from Madonna’s repertoire.  

Mercy and Ben bringing the "Hanky Panky"

Mercy Fuque giving some fierce Joan Collins/Madonna hybrid. Love it.

Jordan L’Amour packs a wallop with “Burning Up.”  As the number progressed I realized that Jordan looks so much like Belinda Carlyle in her number; I call that 80s legit! 

Jordan L'Amour and her backup dancers take to the stage.

I love that Madonna did Evita, mostly because it allowed Precious Moments to do this amazing and hilarious number.  The props were great and I loved that she received an Oscar at the end.  I also dig the muffin/cake tin microphones. Genius.

Precious/Madonna/Eva Peron pleads with The Cat Club not to cry for her.

Fanfare for the winner

Raya Light puts a new spin on “Nothing Really Matters,” playing Madonna as a self-centered, arrogant, plastic surgery and african baby obsessed maniac… oh, wait… nevermind, too easy.  Aside from tossing a baby into the audience and injecting herself with Botox, a piece of fabric goes up near the end of the song only to drop, revealing Madonna’s transformation into Lady Bear!  This was such a great gag!

Madonna needs some work.

Botox hits the spot!

Lady Bear emerges as the transformed Madonna!

Cookie Dough busted out actual lasers for “Ray of Light.” Heklina’s clever performance order put this act after Raya’s number. Retarded fun. Cookie’s light show dazzled the audience and perhaps stunned a few with some unwanted laser light treatment to the eyes.  I think green was a great choice.

Cookie Dough lights up our lives. Gives rich laser.

Fauxnique’s performance of “Shanti/Ashtangi” involved complex and delicate yoga moves that defied gravity; and all of this aloft a platform supported by a team of strong men. HOT!  She emerged on the stage wrapped in a sari then spun out of it across the stage to the delight of the audience.  The funniest part is when she whips out her pink yoga mat and unfurls it over the platform with a slice of attitude, a riot!

Work!

Om Shanti: Fauxnique puts the boys and the lotus position to work.

Pollo Del Mar finished the show with a supersexy S&M number to “Erotica.”  Pollo’s sex victim gets stripped, blindfolded, bound, gagged and beaten by her and her team of sex kittens.  I like the studded leather paddle and hot boys.  Grrr. There was lots of boy on boy, tranny on tranny action to behold. One hot number!

Pollo Del Mar teaches this guy a lesson.

A roll door makes for a fitting backdrop for this leather clad group.

The show was great! There were no slow parts during the performance, everyone brought it hard, and the place remained packed all night with fantastic energy.  Folks were getting their pictures taken in the front room and dancing in the back.  After the show I hung out a little bit, chatted up some cuties, gossiped a bit with some trannies, then grabbed a bacon-wrapped hot dog from the mexican lady out front.  I shared a cab home with a sexy dude and made out with him until I got to my stop. What a great way to end an awesome night.  Thanks Madonna!

Bye Bye Baby!

Anna Conda served up a delicious slice of taupeness, hosting the show in a glamorously snoozy polyester pant suit that just screamed key party.

Her performance was a bit less subdued, featuring a tan trench over a beige body suit sporting a giant dirty blonde patch of crotch bush that could be seen from space. Hilare! And gross.

More queens turned out to perform on Beige Night than on Impostors Night the week before… almost twice as many! And with a theme like beige, you really have to bring it to make it interesting.

VivvyAnne Forevermore powdered her face red and blue, striking it with a magic marker, creating long bottom lashes. Hmmm… this seems familiar. Is that Hoku Mama Swamp?! Vivs was cleverly plugging Tiara Sensation’s Hoku’s Drag Race Night, encouraging people to VOTE HOKU! Well I say VOTE SWAMP!

Eli poses with Hoku before the show…

Viv’s marker got a lot of attention throughout the show…

The show continued with two fabulous ladies visiting us from Aunt Charlie’s in the Tenderloin. Bonnie Sawyer, missing teeth and all, snapped up dollar bills, singing a twangy country number. Donna Personna ripped up with stage to La Bouche’s “Be My Lover.” After the show I told her that that song took me back… to 1994! Good times. I think both of these queens misunderstood the assignment, neither dressing in a stitch of beige, but I guess that’s how they do things down in the TL. Work.

Lil Miss Hot Mess sang “Little Boxes,” painting brightly colored paper houses with beige paint. I thought the song choice was perfect for her. The number was cute, especially when she gave up painting and just started squirting paint all over the houses.

I can’t even remember what Dam Dyke did or sang cuz I was so intrigued by her beige outfit and cup of beige coffee. It struck me as funny that coffee is beige, too. Everything was the same shade of beige. You know beige beige. And I’m hella jel over those shimmery Hollywood Montrose shades!

Miss Nix, seeming to serenade DJ Dirty Knees throughout her performance, worked the golden beige.

Anna Warhola busted out the baseball bat and whip after Downey snatched her wig off her head. She cracked the whip a few times, freaking me out as usual. My brother whipped me in the face with a rubber snake when I was a kid; I have latent trauma. I love the outtie!

Liza with a P, who stole the show for Liz Taylor Night, dazzled audiences in a two-tone beige dress. Her dancing and mugging made for a great performance.

Glamamore brought the Morrissey (can you say ba-eige?), being boring throughout the entire song with boots up on VivvyAnne Forevermore’s hips. Their exchanges were hilarious. Hold my drink! Fierce.

Little Opalteen strutted her stuff next, giving great drag face. She dubbed in farts over the delightful soundtrack, hovering over a small fan each time which blew her skirt up. Classy.

Finally, Karen Kills blew the stage up with Coco Puffs and a half gallon of milk which she had dumped over her body. This to screams of “I’m lactose intolerant!” from an audience member. The best part was that Karen’s outfit absorbed a lot of the milk which occasionally dripped from her titty like a lactating breast. I was deeply amused.

And let’s not forget Marcy Playground’s “performance” at the foot of the stage. Beigelessness.

Beige, taupe, tan, khaki and camel. So many varieties of boring to exploit. Overall I think these folks did a great job handling the beige challenge. I’m curious as to what color Anna will choose next year. I’m a fan of chartreuse myself.